My Interiew with a satan

It is my great honor to introduce all of you to what could be the interview to end all interviews.

"Could be actually… just kidding."

Kind readers, please welcome, the Sultan of sin, the Morning Star himself, Lucifer, Satan, the former right hand of GOD…

"Oh please…"

Welcome.

"Thank you, but let's get something cleared up right from the start shall we?"
Yes, please, of course…

"My name is not now or never has been Lucifer."

What?

""Lucifer makes his appearance in the fourteenth chapter of the Old Testament book of Isaiah, at the twelfth verse, and nowhere else: "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations?" In the original Hebrew text, the fourteenth chapter of Isaiah is not about a fallen angel, but about a fallen Babylonian king, who during his lifetime had persecuted the children of Israel. Some early Christian scribes, writing in the Latin tongue used by the Church, had decided for themselves that they wanted the story to be about a fallen angel, a creature not even mentioned in the original Hebrew text, and to whom they gave the name "Lucifer."
Why Lucifer then?

Well, in Roman astronomy, Lucifer was the name given to the morning star (the star we now know by another Roman name, Venus). The morning star appears in the heavens just before dawn, heralding the rising sun. The name derives from the Latin term lucem ferre, bringer, or bearer of light."
So, that would explain the "Morning Star" moniker then!

"Yes, personally I don't get it.

So, we will just go with Satan then…

"Actually…"
Oh GOD, oops, sorry…

"It's OK."

So, what's wrong with the name Satan?

"Firstly it is a descriptor from Latin which means "adversary".”
OK, seems fitting enough.

"Ah, but it was meant to be prefaced by the direct object, meaning "the adversary" rather than a distinct personal name."

So?

"So, I am A satan, not the Satan."

Ah, so you are adversarial? You denounce the works of the creator?

"Yes and no. Let's assume you are a believer. As the story goes, I was the right hand of GOD, his prosecutor. I met out punishment to sinners, I wasn't very popular. The short of it is that apparently I questioned GOD one day and he in his infinite forgiveness (notice the sarcasm?) cast me out of heaven with anyone who was standing within 100 feet of me."

Ah, Hell…

"What's wrong?"

No, Hell, you got cast out and were sent to Hell?

"If you believe everything you read, yes." "God threw Satan and his demons out of heaven and into Hell and onto the Earth. [Luke 10:18, 2 Peter 2:4, Jude 6, Revelation 12:9] That's how the story goes, a big rebellion, I lose, myself and a third of the angels tossed out on our cans, twisted and malformed by our descent. Into the lake of fire… I have to tell you, it isn't really a lake at all, more like a pond. It isn't on fire. It was a hot spring. I rather enjoyed it."

Ok, so, what is Hell like?

"You already know, you live in it."

Hell on Earth then?

"Yes. See, humans need to have an excuse for being the bastards they are. Then they need a place to frighten their children with to prevent them from being bastards. Jesus really had a great idea by telling people to be nice to one another, just get along and all. The typical response of humans was to nail him to a tree. A tree that had been cut down mind you, killed to kill with. I actually spent 40 days with Jesus, in the desert. You really get to know a guy…"

Let me get this straight, you like Jesus?

"Hey, it was the first time that GOD actually blamed you people for a heinous act, nobody blamed me! You all got off lucky; the first time he got that pissed off he flooded the bloody world! What a mess, ruined my Pond of steam." But, yeah, I liked Jesus; he really had his head on straight, lovely wife too…"

WHAT?

"Move on."

I can't help but notice, you aren't red, you aren't carrying a pitchfork, you aren't half goat, and no horns… what up?

"I'm not the Greek god Pan would be the reason." A borrowed visage to frighten the masses with, I am an image in the mind of man. I only hold power over you if you let me. The more you believe in Heaven and Hell, the more you allow sin to control your actions. The more you think about it, the less instinct you use, and humans are all instinct. I would go as far to say that Religion as a whole is against your nature. Supposedly GOD gave you "Free Will" and then dared you to use it, you can't get further away from free will than religion."

Some of Satan's other names and titles are: Devil, Accuser of the Brethren, Great Red Dragon, the Evil One, the Father of Lies, Murderer, Serpent, god of this world, Prince of Demons, Prince of Darkness, Tempter, Beelzebub, and Prince of the Power of the Air, what is your true name then?

"Maybe you could call me Free Will, sent down from the heavens to tempt man."

Whoa.

"Think about it…"

What about the church of Satan?

"Please, bunch of loonies doing things in the name of the Adversary and they don't even have an ounce of understanding of who or what the adversary is. Just a dark side of humanity rearing its ugly head and spitting venom. Evil for evil's sake with no reason or end." It embarrasses me."

So, what was up with the Garden of Eden?

"Wouldn't know, wasn't there."

Oh, come on now, the Serpent? Temptation?

"Are you just slow?"

What?

"Ok, look, I hadn't been cast out yet. I was cast out for questioning GOD's passion for humanity. I was against free will, or me, being given to humanity, I didn't like them much. I was nowhere near Eden. Use your head man. One male, one female, a serpent, temptation… free will, don't touch the forbidden fruit? Huh? Huh? Are you getting it now?"

You mean?

"Yes. The original sin, the first one, it was all a test. How long will it take for these interlocking bodies to puzzle themselves together? Sex started it all, and we can only hope it will end it all too, what a way to go!"

So, I must say you don't seem Evil at all.

"You are a non-believer; I hold no sway over you. The more you believe, the bigger my pitchfork gets."

I want to thank you for your time. Is there anything you would like to say before you leave?

Religion is a lot like Star Wars in which two opposing forces, one good and one evil struggle for domination of the universe.

Unholy crap, you've seen Star Wars?

"Yes, I was responsible for the final three episodes, sorry about that, but let me finish… Which side is good or evil depends on which side you are on. Part of humanities issue is it's intolerance for the other side, which is ironic for most religions are steeped in their tolerance and love. A vicious cycle that cannot be comprehended by the human mind so I and others like me were invented as a safety valve to try and explain away the hideous events that some humans instigate. I am a creation of collective conscience; I am also mankind's scapegoat."

Let me be the first to apologize.

"It won't matter, I am already made. My purpose is already clear. I exist in the hearts of all who believe, and many do. The best part is that by believing in HIM you believe in me and that gives me power. The end is near."

What? Really?

"No, but I am expected to say that. Have a nice life!"

Free Will everybody, thank you…

Stay tuned, as our next interview is sure to please all of our female readers, Mary Magdalene will be here to clear up a nagging little question? Was Judas as much of an ass as he was made out to be? Oh, and was she the wife of a certain savior?