Interviews: Episode 1

My interview with GOD

First of all let me thank GOD for answering a few questions which have been bugging me... a big welcome to the big, well, err, guy, girl, an omnipresent ball of light? A big welcome either way you swing...

My questions today are going to center around the "Ten Commandments". I think that from these simple rules we as humans tend to become confused at times. Our entire relationship with our deity hinges on a top ten list and our ability to comprehend its meaning in relation from the time it was thrust upon us, literally, until now. So, without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, GOD.

The Ten Commandments

1) Thou shall have no other Gods before me

Q: So are you in fact admitting that there are Gods that exist that COULD be put before you? Are you just saying here,” Don't”?

A: No, absolutely not. I am the one true GOD. The great I AM. All other worship would be bowing to false Idols. "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt..."

WHOA! I have read this and it would be a really big pain in the a... uhm, behind to transcribe, I get it. Next question...

2) Thou shall not make unto thee any graven image.

Q: Huh?

A: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." "This is the true second commandment; Commandment 1 covers false idols..."

OK, guess it depends on which Bible, or book, or ancient scripture you read. Either way, doesn't this make you a jealous GOD? Isn't jealousy a weakness of character, and wouldn't that in fact make you fallible?

"Can you flood the world?"

Good point, next question...

3) "Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your manservant, or your maidservant, or your ox, or your ass, or any of your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your manservant and your maidservant may rest as well as you. You shall remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out thence with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."

Q: Holy crap that is a long winded commandment! OK, GOD, honestly, I find going to church to be a tremendous amount of work! I find being active in the church seems to be a lot of work as well, so what up?

A: In the spirit of honesty, which of course I always adhere too, I must now admit that this is the most misinterpreted commandment. My intention was that there always be a day for families to come together under one house to worship, this was as much for them as me. Of course humanity screwed up my meaning with their "blah blah whah whah me me". Just take some time, there is that clear enough?

Wow... OK, yes. On to 4, the next group of commandments governs public relationships between people.

4) "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you.

Q: I have trouble questioning this directive. This all seems pretty straight forward. GOD, do you have a mother?

A: Yes.

Please elaborate!

No.

Number 5!

5) Thou shall not kill.

Q: Why?

A: Don't be a dumbass...

No, I mean seriously, there are some pretty fu... err, demented folks out there and I sometimes think that open season on weirdoes isn't a bad idea!

Who decides the limits of weird?

You I am guessing. I just get so frustrated at my inability to always protect those I love.

Yet you try. I will tell you a secret if you will stop whining... Karma exists.

Wow, that was worth the interview alone! Feel like moving on to 6?

No, but go on...

6) Thou shall not commit adultery (Adultery is defined as cohabitation with a married woman.)

Q: I have been waiting to ask this question! OK, so, you make us the horny dogs we are then you make us envious, that was you right? Anyway, then you tell us no sex till marriage. OK, so, horny, no touchy with envy. You KNOW this is going to fail, right?

A: (Still laughing at "horny, no touchy with envy"...) Look, the luckiest part of your whole pathetic man life will be the woman you find to stand next to you. I don't care if you blame me for your uncontrollable desires; they were a necessary evil, procreation and all of that. However, this commandment wasn't to punish you but to protect them, get over it and move on.

7) Neither shall you steal.

Q: Really, don't have a question for this one. I see how this would be important to prevent anarchy in a society.

A: True, but something you might be overlooking... pay attention to the chain of events. The next Commandment for example...

Ooh, I know this! Not bearing false witness!

Yes you are very smart, go on...

8) Thou shall not bear false witness.

Go on...

9) Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

And finally

10) "And you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."

See, what I was going for here was a stop gap measure to prevent a chain of events from taking place; this isn't really meant to cover five fingering a tube of lip stick from Wal-Mart or anything. I don't want Man to be unhappy with his person and place; I want him to thrive in his own garden. As a side note I would like to explain this last commandment... Only the Roman Catholic and Lutheran churches separate the commandment against coveting "your neighbor's wife" and his possessions into two separate commandments, to create the 9th and 10th commandments. For other Christians and for Jews, both are together in the 10th commandment. This separation is necessary to create 10 commandments because the commandment against making graven images (the Second Commandment of Orthodox and Protestant Christians and of Jews) is omitted by Roman Catholics and Lutherans. Just in case you were wondering. (http://encycl.opentopia.com/term/Ten_Commandments)

OK, so my last question to you would be, why only ten?

Several reasons; Moses had a bad back. Also, I doubt he could have flung the tablets into that golden calf as accurately with more than two tablets. The most important is that I know my creations and you geeks have limits. You can barely handle the ten you got and you misrepresent me and yourselves when you try to make what you want out of them.

So, when an obvious "unbeliever" like me, sits in front of you and questions your existence and maybe even your motives, how do you respond?

"Free will dumbass..."

Thank you GOD.

Well that is it for today, I hope you will join in next time when the MORNING STAR himself, Lucifer will join us to discuss the embarrassment of Satanism.