The Shape of Thing #2, #3

My Interiew with a satan

It is my great honor to introduce all of you to what could be the interview to end all interviews.

"Could be actually… just kidding."

Kind readers, please welcome, the Sultan of sin, the Morning Star himself, Lucifer, Satan, the former right hand of GOD…

"Oh please…"

Welcome.

"Thank you, but let's get something cleared up right from the start shall we?"
Yes, please, of course…

"My name is not now or never has been Lucifer."

What?

""Lucifer makes his appearance in the fourteenth chapter of the Old Testament book of Isaiah, at the twelfth verse, and nowhere else: "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations?" In the original Hebrew text, the fourteenth chapter of Isaiah is not about a fallen angel, but about a fallen Babylonian king, who during his lifetime had persecuted the children of Israel. Some early Christian scribes, writing in the Latin tongue used by the Church, had decided for themselves that they wanted the story to be about a fallen angel, a creature not even mentioned in the original Hebrew text, and to whom they gave the name "Lucifer."
Why Lucifer then?

Well, in Roman astronomy, Lucifer was the name given to the morning star (the star we now know by another Roman name, Venus). The morning star appears in the heavens just before dawn, heralding the rising sun. The name derives from the Latin term lucem ferre, bringer, or bearer of light."
So, that would explain the "Morning Star" moniker then!

"Yes, personally I don't get it.

So, we will just go with Satan then…

"Actually…"
Oh GOD, oops, sorry…

"It's OK."

So, what's wrong with the name Satan?

"Firstly it is a descriptor from Latin which means "adversary".”
OK, seems fitting enough.

"Ah, but it was meant to be prefaced by the direct object, meaning "the adversary" rather than a distinct personal name."

So?

"So, I am A satan, not the Satan."

Ah, so you are adversarial? You denounce the works of the creator?

"Yes and no. Let's assume you are a believer. As the story goes, I was the right hand of GOD, his prosecutor. I met out punishment to sinners, I wasn't very popular. The short of it is that apparently I questioned GOD one day and he in his infinite forgiveness (notice the sarcasm?) cast me out of heaven with anyone who was standing within 100 feet of me."

Ah, Hell…

"What's wrong?"

No, Hell, you got cast out and were sent to Hell?

"If you believe everything you read, yes." "God threw Satan and his demons out of heaven and into Hell and onto the Earth. [Luke 10:18, 2 Peter 2:4, Jude 6, Revelation 12:9] That's how the story goes, a big rebellion, I lose, myself and a third of the angels tossed out on our cans, twisted and malformed by our descent. Into the lake of fire… I have to tell you, it isn't really a lake at all, more like a pond. It isn't on fire. It was a hot spring. I rather enjoyed it."

Ok, so, what is Hell like?

"You already know, you live in it."

Hell on Earth then?

"Yes. See, humans need to have an excuse for being the bastards they are. Then they need a place to frighten their children with to prevent them from being bastards. Jesus really had a great idea by telling people to be nice to one another, just get along and all. The typical response of humans was to nail him to a tree. A tree that had been cut down mind you, killed to kill with. I actually spent 40 days with Jesus, in the desert. You really get to know a guy…"

Let me get this straight, you like Jesus?

"Hey, it was the first time that GOD actually blamed you people for a heinous act, nobody blamed me! You all got off lucky; the first time he got that pissed off he flooded the bloody world! What a mess, ruined my Pond of steam." But, yeah, I liked Jesus; he really had his head on straight, lovely wife too…"

WHAT?

"Move on."

I can't help but notice, you aren't red, you aren't carrying a pitchfork, you aren't half goat, and no horns… what up?

"I'm not the Greek god Pan would be the reason." A borrowed visage to frighten the masses with, I am an image in the mind of man. I only hold power over you if you let me. The more you believe in Heaven and Hell, the more you allow sin to control your actions. The more you think about it, the less instinct you use, and humans are all instinct. I would go as far to say that Religion as a whole is against your nature. Supposedly GOD gave you "Free Will" and then dared you to use it, you can't get further away from free will than religion."

Some of Satan's other names and titles are: Devil, Accuser of the Brethren, Great Red Dragon, the Evil One, the Father of Lies, Murderer, Serpent, god of this world, Prince of Demons, Prince of Darkness, Tempter, Beelzebub, and Prince of the Power of the Air, what is your true name then?

"Maybe you could call me Free Will, sent down from the heavens to tempt man."

Whoa.

"Think about it…"

What about the church of Satan?

"Please, bunch of loonies doing things in the name of the Adversary and they don't even have an ounce of understanding of who or what the adversary is. Just a dark side of humanity rearing its ugly head and spitting venom. Evil for evil's sake with no reason or end." It embarrasses me."

So, what was up with the Garden of Eden?

"Wouldn't know, wasn't there."

Oh, come on now, the Serpent? Temptation?

"Are you just slow?"

What?

"Ok, look, I hadn't been cast out yet. I was cast out for questioning GOD's passion for humanity. I was against free will, or me, being given to humanity, I didn't like them much. I was nowhere near Eden. Use your head man. One male, one female, a serpent, temptation… free will, don't touch the forbidden fruit? Huh? Huh? Are you getting it now?"

You mean?

"Yes. The original sin, the first one, it was all a test. How long will it take for these interlocking bodies to puzzle themselves together? Sex started it all, and we can only hope it will end it all too, what a way to go!"

So, I must say you don't seem Evil at all.

"You are a non-believer; I hold no sway over you. The more you believe, the bigger my pitchfork gets."

I want to thank you for your time. Is there anything you would like to say before you leave?

Religion is a lot like Star Wars in which two opposing forces, one good and one evil struggle for domination of the universe.

Unholy crap, you've seen Star Wars?

"Yes, I was responsible for the final three episodes, sorry about that, but let me finish… Which side is good or evil depends on which side you are on. Part of humanities issue is it's intolerance for the other side, which is ironic for most religions are steeped in their tolerance and love. A vicious cycle that cannot be comprehended by the human mind so I and others like me were invented as a safety valve to try and explain away the hideous events that some humans instigate. I am a creation of collective conscience; I am also mankind's scapegoat."

Let me be the first to apologize.

"It won't matter, I am already made. My purpose is already clear. I exist in the hearts of all who believe, and many do. The best part is that by believing in HIM you believe in me and that gives me power. The end is near."

What? Really?

"No, but I am expected to say that. Have a nice life!"

Free Will everybody, thank you…

Stay tuned, as our next interview is sure to please all of our female readers, Mary Magdalene will be here to clear up a nagging little question? Was Judas as much of an ass as he was made out to be? Oh, and was she the wife of a certain savior?

The Shape of Things #1 (Rough Draft)

Interviews: Episode 1

My interview with GOD

First of all let me thank GOD for answering a few questions which have been bugging me... a big welcome to the big, well, err, guy, girl, an omnipresent ball of light? A big welcome either way you swing...

My questions today are going to center around the "Ten Commandments". I think that from these simple rules we as humans tend to become confused at times. Our entire relationship with our deity hinges on a top ten list and our ability to comprehend its meaning in relation from the time it was thrust upon us, literally, until now. So, without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, GOD.

The Ten Commandments

1) Thou shall have no other Gods before me

Q: So are you in fact admitting that there are Gods that exist that COULD be put before you? Are you just saying here,” Don't”?

A: No, absolutely not. I am the one true GOD. The great I AM. All other worship would be bowing to false Idols. "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt..."

WHOA! I have read this and it would be a really big pain in the a... uhm, behind to transcribe, I get it. Next question...

2) Thou shall not make unto thee any graven image.

Q: Huh?

A: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." "This is the true second commandment; Commandment 1 covers false idols..."

OK, guess it depends on which Bible, or book, or ancient scripture you read. Either way, doesn't this make you a jealous GOD? Isn't jealousy a weakness of character, and wouldn't that in fact make you fallible?

"Can you flood the world?"

Good point, next question...

3) "Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your manservant, or your maidservant, or your ox, or your ass, or any of your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your manservant and your maidservant may rest as well as you. You shall remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out thence with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."

Q: Holy crap that is a long winded commandment! OK, GOD, honestly, I find going to church to be a tremendous amount of work! I find being active in the church seems to be a lot of work as well, so what up?

A: In the spirit of honesty, which of course I always adhere too, I must now admit that this is the most misinterpreted commandment. My intention was that there always be a day for families to come together under one house to worship, this was as much for them as me. Of course humanity screwed up my meaning with their "blah blah whah whah me me". Just take some time, there is that clear enough?

Wow... OK, yes. On to 4, the next group of commandments governs public relationships between people.

4) "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you.

Q: I have trouble questioning this directive. This all seems pretty straight forward. GOD, do you have a mother?

A: Yes.

Please elaborate!

No.

Number 5!

5) Thou shall not kill.

Q: Why?

A: Don't be a dumbass...

No, I mean seriously, there are some pretty fu... err, demented folks out there and I sometimes think that open season on weirdoes isn't a bad idea!

Who decides the limits of weird?

You I am guessing. I just get so frustrated at my inability to always protect those I love.

Yet you try. I will tell you a secret if you will stop whining... Karma exists.

Wow, that was worth the interview alone! Feel like moving on to 6?

No, but go on...

6) Thou shall not commit adultery (Adultery is defined as cohabitation with a married woman.)

Q: I have been waiting to ask this question! OK, so, you make us the horny dogs we are then you make us envious, that was you right? Anyway, then you tell us no sex till marriage. OK, so, horny, no touchy with envy. You KNOW this is going to fail, right?

A: (Still laughing at "horny, no touchy with envy"...) Look, the luckiest part of your whole pathetic man life will be the woman you find to stand next to you. I don't care if you blame me for your uncontrollable desires; they were a necessary evil, procreation and all of that. However, this commandment wasn't to punish you but to protect them, get over it and move on.

7) Neither shall you steal.

Q: Really, don't have a question for this one. I see how this would be important to prevent anarchy in a society.

A: True, but something you might be overlooking... pay attention to the chain of events. The next Commandment for example...

Ooh, I know this! Not bearing false witness!

Yes you are very smart, go on...

8) Thou shall not bear false witness.

Go on...

9) Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

And finally

10) "And you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."

See, what I was going for here was a stop gap measure to prevent a chain of events from taking place; this isn't really meant to cover five fingering a tube of lip stick from Wal-Mart or anything. I don't want Man to be unhappy with his person and place; I want him to thrive in his own garden. As a side note I would like to explain this last commandment... Only the Roman Catholic and Lutheran churches separate the commandment against coveting "your neighbor's wife" and his possessions into two separate commandments, to create the 9th and 10th commandments. For other Christians and for Jews, both are together in the 10th commandment. This separation is necessary to create 10 commandments because the commandment against making graven images (the Second Commandment of Orthodox and Protestant Christians and of Jews) is omitted by Roman Catholics and Lutherans. Just in case you were wondering. (http://encycl.opentopia.com/term/Ten_Commandments)

OK, so my last question to you would be, why only ten?

Several reasons; Moses had a bad back. Also, I doubt he could have flung the tablets into that golden calf as accurately with more than two tablets. The most important is that I know my creations and you geeks have limits. You can barely handle the ten you got and you misrepresent me and yourselves when you try to make what you want out of them.

So, when an obvious "unbeliever" like me, sits in front of you and questions your existence and maybe even your motives, how do you respond?

"Free will dumbass..."

Thank you GOD.

Well that is it for today, I hope you will join in next time when the MORNING STAR himself, Lucifer will join us to discuss the embarrassment of Satanism.

Not officially a "P&E" Post, but I thought you might Like...

Triangle walks up to Circle and asks "Heya, Circle would you like a piece of Pi?"

Circle, clearly in shock responded, "What do I look like a cannibal?"

Thank you and, good night.

Well OK, if I have to...

I don't feel like writing. I just want to sit here and listen to the rain cascade across my roof, the sounds of two year old twins laughing from the other room. I am starting to become disenchanted with all of the rules being placed upon me and my writing. I am not nor will I ever be a technical writer and I am beginning to think that the reason print is dieing is because there is no style in it any longer. Checked and double checked with the fear of the unholy if a comma is in the wrong place or maybe an accidental "first person" statement makes it on the page in a flurry of journalistic fervor. I have a voice and it needs to be heard when I write. Plays, Screenplays,  fiction, or editorial, it should not matter. Look, I will be honest with you, everything you read here or in class will be sincere, but can I do this by the rules? Speaking of honesty, I am scared to death of the "Event" assignment; almost every press release that I have ever seen makes me stop caring about the event before I get to any details. Events should be heralded, celebrated, and made to be as provocative as one can because you want people to come.

I will end my first blog with this idea: We accept different dialects readily, from the heady southern drawl to East Coast bravado, The Pacific Northests adimant need to repeat everything twice, Surfer, Valley, Ebonics, and Jewish Mothers. We accept them all daily so why can't we write the same regardless?

(NOTE: I understand that writing News Articles or prompt cannot be written with a voice but I wonder sometimes if we might remove the chains from our reporters and let them be more human thus freeing up writers to do the same.)