Options, a One Act play by Kenneth Wilson

Options

by

Kenneth Wilson

Cast of Characters

                                                                          

          Mr. Harrison:                an 18 year old boy                 

                                                                          

          Intake Counselor:            Middle aged woman, "airplane       

                                       stewardess" nice                   

                                                                           

          Grief Counselor:             Middle aged man, Gentle,           

                                       caring, purposeful.  

ACT I

Scene 1

Blackout on stage. We hear the female counselor’s voice, echoing like a dream

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison? Mr. Harrison? Wake up Mr. Harrison...

The voice begins sounding normal as the lights come up to a young man slumped in the comfy chair, across from him a small desk with a laptop and behind it an attractive, large haired middle aged woman.

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison? Are we awake?

She takes a small spray bottle and sprays the young man in the face; the young man starts awake, and bolts upright.

MR. HARRISON: What? Huh? Where...

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Hello Mr. Harrison, how are you? Are you OK? Good...

MR. HARRISON: Wait a sec... (Stretches, looks around)

Wait... Where am I? Where's my mom?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Well silly, now your mom knows where you are. We sent a letter, well, let me see now...

(Checking her laptop)

yes, we sent a letter two weeks ago, standard notification time.

MR. HARRISON: What, a letter for what?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Well honey, your mom didn't tell you? Bless your heart. She must have just been too proud. Honey your NST scores have qualified you to be accepted into the NWFDC!

(Looks up at unseen camera in corner)

OH, that is so exciting, I almost never get to tell them!

MR. HARRISON: Hold it, what? My test scores? The NWFDC?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Yes! You are perfectly average Mr. Harrison. Now you get to pick just what you want to do with the rest of your life, within the range of your options of course!

MR. HARRISON: Could we start over please? Who are you?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: I'm your intake counselor Mr. Harrison, I am so pleased to meet you. I am going to tell you your options and you are going to pick one. Then, you and I will walk you down to Transitioning and hand you off to a transition counselor.

MR. HARRISON: Transitioning?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Mmm Hmm

MR. HARRISON: And then what?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: (laughing): Oh, I don't know that.

MR. HARRISON: OK, uhm, do you have a name?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Why of course I do.

There is a long Pause, Mr. Harrison stares incredulously at his counselor.

OK, so I see that we are just waiting for your psychiatric evaluation. So all we can do is start going over your options.

MR. HARRISON: Look, there must be some mistake, you see? I am supposed to be heading to The Music school today...

INTAKE COUNSELOR: The NMA? Well let me look... hmm, OK well I don't see the NMA as an option, no street musician either. Let me put in this keyword here...

(Types into laptop)

Well, now look, hey "concert vendor" "Retail" pops up. Who knew that would be on our list of Non-Expendables"? So how about that then?

MR. HARRISON: (Almost in shock and extremely dismayed) Are you crazy? I have been training my whole life for this. I did fine on that test!

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Well that's it then, I mean if you did fine?

MR. HARRISON: What do you mean?

INTAKE COUNSELOR; Well now honey. We want our artists to be outstanding right? I mean can you imagine listening to fine music. Blech...

(Mr. Harrison grabs his head in disbelief and sits back.)

Oh now don't worry, you did fine on your whole test, so we'll just have to find something fine for you to do now won't we?

(laughs)

Oh that's funny...

MR. HARRISON: Look there is no way I scored so low as to be sent to prison, there is now way. There has to be a major mistake!

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Now, Mr. Harrison it is considered very rude to refer to the NWFDC as a "prison" and we almost never make mistakes.

MR. HARRISON: Oh Gods are you kidding me with this? Look I am supposed to go to music school.

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Look at it this way you get four hours a day to do anything you want. You can listen or watch however much music your little old heart desires.

MR. HARRISON: Oh Gods Oh Gods Oh Gods...

slumps back into chair and puts his head on his knees, the Intake Counselor picks up the water bottle to shoot him but sees he is awake, shrugs and puts the bottle down

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Hmmm, no, sorry you scored too high to be a priest.

Black out

Scene 2

Lights up again on Mr. Harrison and the Intake Counselor. They appear to have been sitting a long time.

MR. HARRISON: I'm not that complex you know.

INTAKE COUNSELOR; I'm sorry Mr. Harrison did you say something?

MR. HARRISON: I said "I'm not that complex..." I mean for my Psychiatric report to be taking so long. I mean, my option list seemed short. I mean, why isn't ditch digger or highway man sign holder on there?

(laughs nervously)

Seriously, why?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Oh, those jobs stay pretty full, I mean well there are just so many people that come in on that level. Bless their little hearts.

MR. HARRISON: Can I call my mom please?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Oh Honey no, I'm afraid not.

MR. HARRISON: Why?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: I don't know.

MR. HARRISON: How did you get this job?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Well, it was one of my options, right above Factory Floor Manager at a textile mill and right below Concubine.

MR. HARRISON: (Looking on like he had just seen a car accident) Are you sure there is no on we can call or no procedure or appeals or anything?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Those were all handled for you weeks ago Honey, right after your scores were processed, evaluated, checked and double checked. We almost always do it twice.

(There is a loud ding and the Intake counselor checks her laptop)

Oh your evaluation is in, have you thought about what option you are going to take? Now let me see... Oh…

MR. HARRISON: Oh? Did my options improve any, please tell me I'm out of here?

The intake worker gets up and moves to the door, turns and looks at Mr. Harrison

INTAKE COUNSELOR: The grief counselor will be with you momentarily.

She leaves and we hear a lock being turned

MR. HARRISON: What? Wait! Where are you going? What's my Job? WAIT! What am I doing? What Oh Gods...

Blackout

Scene 3

Lights up and Mr. Harrison is curled up in the comfy chair in the fetal position. We get the feeling a long time has passed. We hear the door unlock and a large well dreesed man enters the room carrying a small black case.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison?

MR. HARRISON: No

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (surprised) Oh, apologies I thought... wait... Mr. Harrison comedian is not an option for you.

MR. HARRISON: Ah. Where is Mrs. Intake?

GRIEF COUNSELOR; Excuse me? Who?

MR. HARRISON: My Intake Counselor. Where is she?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: We're past that now Mr. Harrison.

MR. HARRISON: Great. Wait, what does that mean?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison, I am your grief counselor.

MR. HARRISON; Let me guess, you don't have a name either?

GRIEF COUNSELOR; Of course I do. Now Mr. Harrison, as I said I am your grief counselor and I...

MR. HARRISON: ...want to help me get over being sent here and help me accept my options, I know... OK, I get it.

GRIEF COUNSELOR; No Mr. Harrison, I'm sorry if you don't understand. I have brought you your only option.

(sits the small black case on the table)

You see, we got your WFDPE... Work Development Psych Evaluation, you know

(Mr. Harrison Nods)

It indicates that you have a BPD. A Borderline Personality Disorder that is, were you aware of that sir?

MR. HARRISON: What? No...

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Does mental disease run in your family Mr. Harrison?

MR. HARRISON; What? I don't know... I mean, my mom has depression, but...

GRIEF COUNSELOR; You mean Dr. Harrison?

MR. HARRISON: (excited) YES!

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (Makes a note on the laptop) Thank you, we'll look into it.

MR. HARRISON: What, no, I mean it's just sometimes... never mind OK, forget I said that please, I'll take your job. Just leave my mom out of it.

GRIEF COUNSELOR Mr. Harrison a life job is not an option for you any longer. You have but one option, and it is the right option.

MR. HARRISON: What the hell are you talking about?

GRIEF COUNSELOR; We call it the "Patriot Option" and it is a option of pride Mr. Harrison.

MR. HARRISON: A soldier?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (laughing) Oh heavens no Mr. Harrison, every fifth transitioned gets inducted, and then they get a whole new set of options. Since you didn't make it to transition you don't need to worry about that. No, the Patriot option is good for you, your family and your country. Why be a burden, right?

MR. HARRISON: What are you talking about? Are you insane?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: That’s an interesting choice of words Mr. Harrison.

(Taps on the screen)

Look, I am here for you. I will not hurt you, it is up to you to do what must be done. You know that was part of the new constitution, come on, wait... (looks at the computer) well, I see you did fine in history, so you should know something about the 451st amendment. Maybe a little? No? Hmmm, figures.

MR. HARRISON: Is this what happens here, I mean, I thought you trained people to work...

GRIEF COUNSELOR: We do.

MR. HARRISON: But I mean train them so they can have jobs.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: They do, those that can.

MR. HARRISON: What about those that can't?

Sliding the small black case towards Mr. Harrison

GRIEF COUNSELOR: They take the Patriot Option.

MR. HARRISON: What exactly is the Patriot Option, what is in that case.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison, we are a humane facility and are forbidden to cause you harm. You, as our Countries pursuit of happiness code directs, must be allowed to make your own choices... from the options that a complex formula derived from the countries needs and your test scores dictate... of course. That said, when a citizen cannot offer any measurable benefit to society, he needs to do his civic duty and take the option provided him.

MR. HARRISON: I'm going out that door.

GRIEF COUNSELOR; I know you want to, but time will make a difference.

MR. HARRISON: Time? How much time?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Until you take the option of course. We can meet daily, talk, sit quietly, anything you need. But you will stay here, eat here, sleep here until you choose the option.

MR. HARRISON: I won't eat. I will starve myself and it will be the same as you causing me harm!

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Actually that would be fine, that’s covered by the PO, now you're getting the hang of it!

MR. HARRISON: You mean to tell me that I have to kill myself because I failed a test that measures my personality?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: No Mr. Harrison, the EVALUATION tested your ability to function within social groups, tell the truth, and it also measures your functional range on many different aptitudes. Your scores tell us that friends, family and coworkers will often be exasperated with you; they will often leave you to protect themselves. You don't really fit in at all but rather act as a chameleon... well, look who I am telling, you know what I am saying, right?

MR. HARRISON: You can't make me do it.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: You are right, we can't. Good Job Mr. Harrison.

MR. HARRISON (Screaming) You have to be crazier that I will ever be if you chose this as your option!

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Actually, I'm a baker. This is what I do for my personal time. There seems to be a shortage of Grief Counselors. But we all have the option of a part time option, it is kind of neat really... well, ok, I’m sorry, not everyone...

(Trying to recover, correcting himself)

Some people get lucky and get to choose your option.

MR. HARRISON: I'm in a nut house

GRIEF COUNSELOR: No, those were abolished long ago, too cruel.

MR. HARRISON: You aren't very good at this.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: AH! It's my first time, you noticed.

(A long pause, Mr. Harrison stares at the case.)

MR. HARRISON: I won't.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: You should.

MR. HARRISON: Would it do me any good to appeal to your sense of understanding? You are a grief counselor, and I am terrified.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Hey, don't worry, I have seen your Test scores and well, you'll do just fine.

Blackout

Scene 5

Lights up on Mr. Harrison sitting in the chair staring at the door, the Grief Counselor enters.

MR. HARRISON: Right on time.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Uncanny how the senses adjust to telling time with no windows or clock, just uncanny. OK, four days, any progress?

MR. HARRISON: I like the food.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: I know. I just live for meatloaf day.

(Sliding the case a little closer to Mr. Harrison)

Have you even opened it yet?

MR. HARRISON: No. But I bet it's a gun.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Uncanny

MR. HARRISON: I won't do it.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Maybe not today then, probably not tomorrow either.

MR. HARRISON: Why do you say that?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Meatloaf day.

Blackout

Lights up on Mr. Harrison in the chair, and the Grief Counselor in the doorway

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Today?

MR. HARRISON: No.

Blackout

Lights up, again on Mr. Harrison in the chair, and the Grief Counselor in the doorway

GRIEF COUNSELOR: And Today?

MR. HARRISON: NO!

Blackout

Lights up, Mr. Harrison is slumped on the floor head buried in his arms, the door opens...

MR. HARRISON: Go Away.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Now Mr. Harrison, you know I can't do that.

MR. HARRISON: I formally refuse the Patriot Option. Formally. If you give me a pen and paper I will put that in writing. So... now what, are we going to be roommates?

(Grief Counselor checks the lap top)

GRIEF COUNSELOR: No. We're not a match.

MR. HARRISON: This is a nightmare.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Tell me about it...

MR. HARRISON: What?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: What? Oh, nothing... I was just saying... OK, well Mr. Harrison, I guess I will see you tomorrow then.

(Gets up to leave.)

MR. HARRISON: What did you want to be?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: What?

MR. HARRISON: Before you scored "Baker". What did you want to do?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (Laughing uncomfortably) Maybe I wanted to be a baker.

MR. HARRISON: Well then, the system works. Apparently you wanted to help people kill themselves in your spare time as well. Nice spectrum.

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Look, what does it matter? I mean, what difference does it make if I wanted to bake or write?

MR. HARRISON: Write?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: What?

MR. HARRISON: Write what?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (looking up at unseen camera) Nothing!  Mr. Harrison. Stop Please.

MR. HARRISON: No. You want something from me right? Then give something...

GRIEF COUNSELOR: You know I can't do that Mr. Harrison.

MR. HARRISON: What exactly can you do then?

Silence

Well?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: I'm not a very good baker.

MR. HARRISON: Oh.

GRIEF COUNSELOR:  ...and because I'm not a very good baker I owe time.

MR. HARRISON: Owe time?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: (Looking nervously at the unseen camera) Mr. Harrison, if you can't do the option you choose then you get to do something that has a high rate of depletion.

MR. HARRISON: Depletion?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Depletion Mr. Harrison, Mine worker, Explosive specialist... Grief Counselor.

MR. HARRISON: Grief Counselor?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: I'm freely handing a scared and confused individual a loaded gun and asking him to use it. Often they do...

MR. HARRISON: Then what?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Well, murder gets you the death penalty, so I guess it all comes out in the wash.

MR. HARRISON: (coming to a sudden realization) Wait, you're telling me that I couldn't get any of those jobs, I just have to off myself instead? Maybe I would like to take my chances?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: They're reserved Mr. Harrison... for when the system...

MR. HARRISON: Fails?

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison (pauses) Mr. Harrison, the system... (Looks up at the unseen camera, speaking quickly) Mr. Harrison the system isn't always perfect. My only option was to be a baker, I didn't choose it and I can only guess is that there was some horrible industry accident that saved my artsy ass from the Patriot Option... Take the option Mr. Harrison, I wish I had...

MR. HARRISON: Kill me then... I can't...

GRIEF COUNSELOR: I can't...

MR. HARRISON: (Standing up, screaming at the unseen camera) you can't make me do this! Do you hear me? I am a musician! Let me out of here! I want my mom, I want to go home. Let me out of this nut house!

(Slumps into the chair with his head between his legs and begins to sob)

This isn't happening, this isn't happening...

 The grief counselor reaches out and takes the black case... he looks sympathetically at Mr. Harrison. He slowly, quietly unzips the case, he takes out what looks like a single shot revolver and places the gun to his head

GRIEF COUNSELOR: Good luck Mr. Harrison. (Shoots himself and slumps to the floor)

Blackout as Mr. Harrison screams...

Scene 6

Lights come up on a familiar scene. Mr. Harrison sits slumped in front of the Intake worker who aims a bottle of water at him.

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Mr. Harrison? Hello, Mr. Harrison? Bless his heart, he must be so tired...

(Squirts him)

Wake up Mr. Harrison. Congratulations Mr. Harrison, you are no longer triple O!

MR. HARRISON: (without looking up) Triple O?

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Oh good you're awake. Triple O, Out of Options, you are no longer triple O.

MR. HARRISON: I won't kill myself.

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Oh, sweetie, you aren't required to take the Patriot Option any more, I mean you can if you want but due to worker depletion an option has become available!

MR. HARRISON: What about my "evaluation"

INTAKE COUNSELOR: Oh, we can govern that with medication if absolutely necessary. You should be able to do this job just fine!

MR. HARRISON: I don't understand...

INTAKE COUNSELOR: I know honey. Congratulations Mr. Harrison, how do you feel about baking?

Blackout

Merry Christmas from The Shape of Things

Have a happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for:

My beautiful wife Melanie. She's the one on the right.



The twins. What more can be said?



My lil' miss, the precisious Cozette (Cozy)



Truitt, my hero.



Kaelan, the ellusive, finally captured in his only vulnerable moment.



I am also thankful for the new friends and colleagues I have met in our class. Thank you for putting up with me.

Go forth, eat turkey, shoot deer, watch football, eat more, drink more, be forgiving. A great man named Barney Fife once said "Now is the time for good men to come forth and help your neighbor." so what are we waiting for?

Mother

My mother was adopted in the late 1940s by a wealthy oil couple in Tulsa Oklahoma; a trend common to the times to adopt young girls and raise them as a social status symbol. According to my mother she was abused both mentally and physically leading to her estrangement from the family when she was eighteen. She eloped with a man whom attempted to kill her on their wedding night.

To be continued...

A Blog by any other name...

I was born in Springfield  Missouri. My first real memory (real meaning not evoked by old photos) of

 childhoood is sitting on a blue paisley couch, a t.v. tray, eating spaghetti, and watching "Star Trek". My mom

 and I lived in a mobile home somwhere west of town; we lived on a corner and there was quite a distance

 between us and our nearest neighbor, I don't know why but that feels important. Every so often there would

be a horse named Smokey that would visit, I was always told it was my horse, I know now that it was a lie. I

think I was five because I remember a step-father, step-brother, and mom dropping us off at kindergarten

 together. They do not take up much space in my memory; I guess they were not around long. So that is the

beginning as only I can remember it, it all started with my mom.

MOTHER

to be continued...

The Shape of Things #5

Think about it...

My favorie character from the Fox hit comedy "Glee" is Brittany S. Piers. If you are wondering why check out the next video as well! A special thanks to our "Glee Girl" from class who inspired me to blog about my favorite show.

The Shape of Things #4

The Shape of Thing #2, #3

My Interiew with a satan

It is my great honor to introduce all of you to what could be the interview to end all interviews.

"Could be actually… just kidding."

Kind readers, please welcome, the Sultan of sin, the Morning Star himself, Lucifer, Satan, the former right hand of GOD…

"Oh please…"

Welcome.

"Thank you, but let's get something cleared up right from the start shall we?"
Yes, please, of course…

"My name is not now or never has been Lucifer."

What?

""Lucifer makes his appearance in the fourteenth chapter of the Old Testament book of Isaiah, at the twelfth verse, and nowhere else: "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations?" In the original Hebrew text, the fourteenth chapter of Isaiah is not about a fallen angel, but about a fallen Babylonian king, who during his lifetime had persecuted the children of Israel. Some early Christian scribes, writing in the Latin tongue used by the Church, had decided for themselves that they wanted the story to be about a fallen angel, a creature not even mentioned in the original Hebrew text, and to whom they gave the name "Lucifer."
Why Lucifer then?

Well, in Roman astronomy, Lucifer was the name given to the morning star (the star we now know by another Roman name, Venus). The morning star appears in the heavens just before dawn, heralding the rising sun. The name derives from the Latin term lucem ferre, bringer, or bearer of light."
So, that would explain the "Morning Star" moniker then!

"Yes, personally I don't get it.

So, we will just go with Satan then…

"Actually…"
Oh GOD, oops, sorry…

"It's OK."

So, what's wrong with the name Satan?

"Firstly it is a descriptor from Latin which means "adversary".”
OK, seems fitting enough.

"Ah, but it was meant to be prefaced by the direct object, meaning "the adversary" rather than a distinct personal name."

So?

"So, I am A satan, not the Satan."

Ah, so you are adversarial? You denounce the works of the creator?

"Yes and no. Let's assume you are a believer. As the story goes, I was the right hand of GOD, his prosecutor. I met out punishment to sinners, I wasn't very popular. The short of it is that apparently I questioned GOD one day and he in his infinite forgiveness (notice the sarcasm?) cast me out of heaven with anyone who was standing within 100 feet of me."

Ah, Hell…

"What's wrong?"

No, Hell, you got cast out and were sent to Hell?

"If you believe everything you read, yes." "God threw Satan and his demons out of heaven and into Hell and onto the Earth. [Luke 10:18, 2 Peter 2:4, Jude 6, Revelation 12:9] That's how the story goes, a big rebellion, I lose, myself and a third of the angels tossed out on our cans, twisted and malformed by our descent. Into the lake of fire… I have to tell you, it isn't really a lake at all, more like a pond. It isn't on fire. It was a hot spring. I rather enjoyed it."

Ok, so, what is Hell like?

"You already know, you live in it."

Hell on Earth then?

"Yes. See, humans need to have an excuse for being the bastards they are. Then they need a place to frighten their children with to prevent them from being bastards. Jesus really had a great idea by telling people to be nice to one another, just get along and all. The typical response of humans was to nail him to a tree. A tree that had been cut down mind you, killed to kill with. I actually spent 40 days with Jesus, in the desert. You really get to know a guy…"

Let me get this straight, you like Jesus?

"Hey, it was the first time that GOD actually blamed you people for a heinous act, nobody blamed me! You all got off lucky; the first time he got that pissed off he flooded the bloody world! What a mess, ruined my Pond of steam." But, yeah, I liked Jesus; he really had his head on straight, lovely wife too…"

WHAT?

"Move on."

I can't help but notice, you aren't red, you aren't carrying a pitchfork, you aren't half goat, and no horns… what up?

"I'm not the Greek god Pan would be the reason." A borrowed visage to frighten the masses with, I am an image in the mind of man. I only hold power over you if you let me. The more you believe in Heaven and Hell, the more you allow sin to control your actions. The more you think about it, the less instinct you use, and humans are all instinct. I would go as far to say that Religion as a whole is against your nature. Supposedly GOD gave you "Free Will" and then dared you to use it, you can't get further away from free will than religion."

Some of Satan's other names and titles are: Devil, Accuser of the Brethren, Great Red Dragon, the Evil One, the Father of Lies, Murderer, Serpent, god of this world, Prince of Demons, Prince of Darkness, Tempter, Beelzebub, and Prince of the Power of the Air, what is your true name then?

"Maybe you could call me Free Will, sent down from the heavens to tempt man."

Whoa.

"Think about it…"

What about the church of Satan?

"Please, bunch of loonies doing things in the name of the Adversary and they don't even have an ounce of understanding of who or what the adversary is. Just a dark side of humanity rearing its ugly head and spitting venom. Evil for evil's sake with no reason or end." It embarrasses me."

So, what was up with the Garden of Eden?

"Wouldn't know, wasn't there."

Oh, come on now, the Serpent? Temptation?

"Are you just slow?"

What?

"Ok, look, I hadn't been cast out yet. I was cast out for questioning GOD's passion for humanity. I was against free will, or me, being given to humanity, I didn't like them much. I was nowhere near Eden. Use your head man. One male, one female, a serpent, temptation… free will, don't touch the forbidden fruit? Huh? Huh? Are you getting it now?"

You mean?

"Yes. The original sin, the first one, it was all a test. How long will it take for these interlocking bodies to puzzle themselves together? Sex started it all, and we can only hope it will end it all too, what a way to go!"

So, I must say you don't seem Evil at all.

"You are a non-believer; I hold no sway over you. The more you believe, the bigger my pitchfork gets."

I want to thank you for your time. Is there anything you would like to say before you leave?

Religion is a lot like Star Wars in which two opposing forces, one good and one evil struggle for domination of the universe.

Unholy crap, you've seen Star Wars?

"Yes, I was responsible for the final three episodes, sorry about that, but let me finish… Which side is good or evil depends on which side you are on. Part of humanities issue is it's intolerance for the other side, which is ironic for most religions are steeped in their tolerance and love. A vicious cycle that cannot be comprehended by the human mind so I and others like me were invented as a safety valve to try and explain away the hideous events that some humans instigate. I am a creation of collective conscience; I am also mankind's scapegoat."

Let me be the first to apologize.

"It won't matter, I am already made. My purpose is already clear. I exist in the hearts of all who believe, and many do. The best part is that by believing in HIM you believe in me and that gives me power. The end is near."

What? Really?

"No, but I am expected to say that. Have a nice life!"

Free Will everybody, thank you…

Stay tuned, as our next interview is sure to please all of our female readers, Mary Magdalene will be here to clear up a nagging little question? Was Judas as much of an ass as he was made out to be? Oh, and was she the wife of a certain savior?

The Shape of Things #1 (Rough Draft)

Interviews: Episode 1

My interview with GOD

First of all let me thank GOD for answering a few questions which have been bugging me... a big welcome to the big, well, err, guy, girl, an omnipresent ball of light? A big welcome either way you swing...

My questions today are going to center around the "Ten Commandments". I think that from these simple rules we as humans tend to become confused at times. Our entire relationship with our deity hinges on a top ten list and our ability to comprehend its meaning in relation from the time it was thrust upon us, literally, until now. So, without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, GOD.

The Ten Commandments

1) Thou shall have no other Gods before me

Q: So are you in fact admitting that there are Gods that exist that COULD be put before you? Are you just saying here,” Don't”?

A: No, absolutely not. I am the one true GOD. The great I AM. All other worship would be bowing to false Idols. "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt..."

WHOA! I have read this and it would be a really big pain in the a... uhm, behind to transcribe, I get it. Next question...

2) Thou shall not make unto thee any graven image.

Q: Huh?

A: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." "This is the true second commandment; Commandment 1 covers false idols..."

OK, guess it depends on which Bible, or book, or ancient scripture you read. Either way, doesn't this make you a jealous GOD? Isn't jealousy a weakness of character, and wouldn't that in fact make you fallible?

"Can you flood the world?"

Good point, next question...

3) "Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your manservant, or your maidservant, or your ox, or your ass, or any of your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your manservant and your maidservant may rest as well as you. You shall remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out thence with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day."

Q: Holy crap that is a long winded commandment! OK, GOD, honestly, I find going to church to be a tremendous amount of work! I find being active in the church seems to be a lot of work as well, so what up?

A: In the spirit of honesty, which of course I always adhere too, I must now admit that this is the most misinterpreted commandment. My intention was that there always be a day for families to come together under one house to worship, this was as much for them as me. Of course humanity screwed up my meaning with their "blah blah whah whah me me". Just take some time, there is that clear enough?

Wow... OK, yes. On to 4, the next group of commandments governs public relationships between people.

4) "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you.

Q: I have trouble questioning this directive. This all seems pretty straight forward. GOD, do you have a mother?

A: Yes.

Please elaborate!

No.

Number 5!

5) Thou shall not kill.

Q: Why?

A: Don't be a dumbass...

No, I mean seriously, there are some pretty fu... err, demented folks out there and I sometimes think that open season on weirdoes isn't a bad idea!

Who decides the limits of weird?

You I am guessing. I just get so frustrated at my inability to always protect those I love.

Yet you try. I will tell you a secret if you will stop whining... Karma exists.

Wow, that was worth the interview alone! Feel like moving on to 6?

No, but go on...

6) Thou shall not commit adultery (Adultery is defined as cohabitation with a married woman.)

Q: I have been waiting to ask this question! OK, so, you make us the horny dogs we are then you make us envious, that was you right? Anyway, then you tell us no sex till marriage. OK, so, horny, no touchy with envy. You KNOW this is going to fail, right?

A: (Still laughing at "horny, no touchy with envy"...) Look, the luckiest part of your whole pathetic man life will be the woman you find to stand next to you. I don't care if you blame me for your uncontrollable desires; they were a necessary evil, procreation and all of that. However, this commandment wasn't to punish you but to protect them, get over it and move on.

7) Neither shall you steal.

Q: Really, don't have a question for this one. I see how this would be important to prevent anarchy in a society.

A: True, but something you might be overlooking... pay attention to the chain of events. The next Commandment for example...

Ooh, I know this! Not bearing false witness!

Yes you are very smart, go on...

8) Thou shall not bear false witness.

Go on...

9) Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

And finally

10) "And you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."

See, what I was going for here was a stop gap measure to prevent a chain of events from taking place; this isn't really meant to cover five fingering a tube of lip stick from Wal-Mart or anything. I don't want Man to be unhappy with his person and place; I want him to thrive in his own garden. As a side note I would like to explain this last commandment... Only the Roman Catholic and Lutheran churches separate the commandment against coveting "your neighbor's wife" and his possessions into two separate commandments, to create the 9th and 10th commandments. For other Christians and for Jews, both are together in the 10th commandment. This separation is necessary to create 10 commandments because the commandment against making graven images (the Second Commandment of Orthodox and Protestant Christians and of Jews) is omitted by Roman Catholics and Lutherans. Just in case you were wondering. (http://encycl.opentopia.com/term/Ten_Commandments)

OK, so my last question to you would be, why only ten?

Several reasons; Moses had a bad back. Also, I doubt he could have flung the tablets into that golden calf as accurately with more than two tablets. The most important is that I know my creations and you geeks have limits. You can barely handle the ten you got and you misrepresent me and yourselves when you try to make what you want out of them.

So, when an obvious "unbeliever" like me, sits in front of you and questions your existence and maybe even your motives, how do you respond?

"Free will dumbass..."

Thank you GOD.

Well that is it for today, I hope you will join in next time when the MORNING STAR himself, Lucifer will join us to discuss the embarrassment of Satanism.